CAN YOU KEEP INFIDELITY AT BAY?

Here are some interesting statistics about in/fidelity:

• A University of Chicago study titled “The Social Organization of Sexuality,” states that as many as a quarter of married men may have been unfaithful to their spouses.

• According to a TIME/CNN poll of Americans' sexual attitudes, 23% of married men agree with the statement, "infidelity is an unavoidable part of married life today."

• Before the cultural homogenization that came with Western colonialism, more than three-quarters of all human societies were polygamous.

• While earlier studies indicated that over 90 percent of birds engage in monogamy (as opposed to only 3 percent mammals), newer studies are showing that bird monogamy may be a myth.

All the evidence seems to indicate that monogamy does not come naturally to the human creature (we’re mammals!). And yet, it is an important prerequisite of a successful marital / romantic relationship. As a couple in a monogamous relationship, the two of you CAN increase the chances of continued monogamy (and happiness) by setting aside some time every month for a fidelity health check.

The baby, your hectic work schedule, and your pending chores are no excuse to neglect “couple time.” When couple time suffers, so does your rapport and your relationship. That is the beginning of “living like brother and sister,” and the end of feeling attracted to each other – the perfect setting for giving in to adulterous temptation.

When you sit down together for your fidelity health check, map out how much time you spent together as a couple doing something that was fun for both of you. If it was less than twice a week, make couple time a priority when planning next week’s schedule (and the next).

The next area to check for is whether you have successfully brought up, discussed, and mutually resolved any issues and differences that came up. How soon was this done? If you handled smaller issues within a couple of days, and bigger issues within one or two weeks, you are right on track. If not, then prevent a resentment buildup by agreeing to table them until a later date. The important issue here is to avoid negative feelings for each other.

Are you aware of your behaviors that annoy or offend your partner and vice versa? Do you have an agreement for sidestepping the friction that these behaviors can cause? If yes, have you and your partner succeeded in keeping these behaviors to a minimal this month? If not, then revisit the points, and refresh your memory about your agreement.

And now let us talk about the most vital ingredient for fueling infidelity – the “other people.” Has your relationship evolved to a level where the two of you can share all information about other people in your lives - friends, coworkers, and others? Are you able to discuss conversations, affectionate gestures, email, and emotional reactions to these people, with your partner? And do the two of you have an agreement that attraction to another person will be discussed openly?

Also, you need to have an agreement to avoid intimate conversations with other people of the opposite sex – especially conversations about dissatisfaction with your marriage or theirs. And the most important agreement is with reference to dating behavior – do both of you agree not to indulge in dating behavior (coffee, lunch, hanging out) with other people?

When you follow a monthly routine of conducting the fidelity health check, you catch a problem in its infancy – increasing the chances of nipping it in the bud, and getting your relationship back on track. Continuing to have fun together, resolving differences, talking openly about attraction, and following rules regarding dating /flirting behavior are some ways to ensure that monogamy remains a priority in your relationship.

Lynn Johnson
A University of Chicago study titled “The Social Organization of Sexuality,” states that as many as a quarter of married men may have been unfaithful to their spouses.
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